


You Learn to Live Without

by La_Reveuse (Lune_qui_vit_dans_ses_Reves)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU with familiar elements yet unfamiliar ones as well, F/M, Feels, Sort of in media res
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-05 02:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3102593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lune_qui_vit_dans_ses_Reves/pseuds/La_Reveuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the blink of an eye her life was changed forever, everything she had known was changed for good. But Natasha was never one to give up. </p><p>The learning of love, loosing it, and then finding it again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is my first foray into this fandom, but I hope you enjoy this story. As said in the tags, this is most definitely an AU, but there will be some familiar elements (and unfamiliar ones) that have just been molded in a slightly different fashion. Also, this story starts near the middle, but don't worry, the past will be revealed in due time. :) 
> 
> I don't own anything that anyone recognizes, and I apologize for any mistakes as this has been unbeta'd. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! :)

She hurried down the street; the wind blowing relentlessly around her, threatening to steal her hat at any moment. Anxiously she brushed back a lock of vibrant red hair that had some how escaped its bobby pin. _You must be loosing your touch_ she thought to herself. Normally she would have stopped to re-pin her hair, but now was not the time nor place. Besides, she needed to hurry if she was going to make it on time – she only had a few hours after all.

 

_My goodness, was it always this cold?_ She asked herself as she clutched her jacket, attempting to pull it closer to herself as if to hide in it and store away the desperately desired warmth as well as to prevent the wind from robbing her of it. Nervously she glanced around, her mind taking account of her surroundings.

 

“Relax. No one knows you’re here. No one knows nor care who you are. You’re just another person on the street. No one knows where you are. You could be in Prague, Paris, or London for all they know. No one knows they exist. **They** are perfectly safe. Relax.” She whispered under her breath so faintly that to passersby it appeared to merely be the soft hello of the snow gently falling to the ground.

 

Her face angled towards that snow covered ground, she quickly made her way towards the welcoming rolling hills that had beckoned her there. She had only been there once before. Before all this had started. Before everything had changed and her world had spun on its axis. Before, when the warmth it had possessed seemed to welcome her with open arms. Yet now, now everything looked and felt so different. The spirit of the place that had once made her feel so accepted had disappeared, leaving only a cold breeze behind. Nevertheless, she never forgot anything and even though it had been ages since she had been there, her feet knew exactly where they were going. After all, how could she forget something so important?

 

She knew that if they found out where she had gone she would never hear the end of it and probably never be let out of their sight either, but that didn’t matter. She had needed to come. It was only right. So much had happened over the past year that it had more than warranted the trip. Perhaps it was silly, and perhaps it was stupid, but he deserved it. He deserved so much more.

 

She had never seen it in person, only a picture that had been sent to her when they had deemed it was safe, but suddenly as if an apparition, there it was. Sitting proudly above the snow, the sun gently smiling down on it warming it with its sunbeams. It looked exactly like the design they had created – simple, yet welcoming and loving and so very him that she could imagine him stepping out from behind it as if he had been hiding there, waiting for her, and then embracing her, just as he had always done – yet she knew he wasn’t there. A bench sat next to it as if it had been placed there specifically for her, and in the back of her mind she knew that to be true. Brushing the snow that had settled on the alabaster marble, she sat down, removed a black glove from her hand and gently laid it on the warm granite. Closing her eyes, she simply sat there relishing the soothing warmth emitting from the stone.

 

“Hi.” She finally whispered before she paused to gather her thoughts. Coming here she had composed exactly what she was going to say and rehearsed it a million times, but now that she was here, it had all disappeared like the snow that the wind blew away.

 

She took a deep breath and started again. “Before you say anything about how I shouldn’t be here or how I’m being stupid or how dangerous this is, I know. I know where I should be, but I’m here now, okay? And that’s that, so just accept it, alright? Can we just enjoy the fact that I am here now, please?” She could almost hear his chuckle in the rustling of the evergreens. She smiled.

 

“Can you imagine how angry Coulson and Fury are going to be if they find out? It’s going to worse then that time in Budapest.” She giggled taking a moment to reflect on what had happened.

 

“But anyway, how are you? We’re good, or as well as can be expected. Alex and Ali are doing well in school. I know you’ve been watching over them, haven’t you? Alex loves all of his classes, especially art and music. I don’t know where he got that from because goodness knows how much I fought my parents about playing the piano and you, well I know you never touched an instrument so…" He voice trailed on, "But he really loves both of them, so that’s good. And Ali, she adores her dance classes and dreams every night of becoming a ballerina. Sometimes Alex will play one of his pieces and Ali will dance around the room as if a fairy or as if you’re dancing with her. You’d be so proud of them.”

 

She paused again, her mouth quirking up in a small sad smile. “They miss you, you know. Ali sometimes asks where you’ve gone and Alex, our dear solnyshko, will just tell her that you’ve gone on a really long trip and that you’ll be back one day. When did our little Alex grow up?”

 

“But honestly, what’s it like? I hope it’s warmer there than it is here. My goodness was it always this cold? I have no idea what I said or we said to make Fury think that New York would be a good place for us to live, but the children love the snow and don’t seem to mind the cold as much, so that’s a bonus, I suppose. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been dragged to the park so that they can make snow angels or build snowmen. I would have brought you a picture, but you know…” Her voice trailing off again as her thoughts and words began assaulting her at a faster pace.

 

“Has it really been a year? It feels like just yesterday you were saying goodbye and Alex and Ali were asking when their father would be home again and why you had to go. Had I known Clint, if only I had known, I would have never let you go. I would have…” Two tears escaped from her eyes only to discover what a cruel and cold place the world could be and began to freeze on her cheeks.

 

“I would have convinced you to stay home. I would have begged you not to go, I would have,”

 

“Taken your place?” A voice interrupted. “But then, it would be you here, wouldn’t it?” It added.

 

Startled she reached for her purse, her hand instinctively searching for something.

 

“Please relax Natalie, it’s just me.” He stepped out from behind a fir tree.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asked, her voice taking on an incredulous tone.

 

“Let’s not discuss that Natalie. A better question would be why are you here?” He answered her in his ever calm and patient manner.

 

Her gaze drifted to the stone that sat beside to her, and seeing the look on her face, he slowly approached her as if not to frighten her any more.

 

“Come Nat, it’s time to go back.” Close enough to her, he extended his gloved hand.

 

“Was he happy Phil?”

 

“He was the happiest I had ever seen him.” His eyes softened as if he was remembering something. “With you, he was the happiest he had ever been. He loved you Nat. Never doubt that.”

 

Her head seemingly drooped even closer to the ground as her eyes began to trace patterns in the snow. “I know.”

 

She took a deep breath, and then another, and then another. “I know.”

 

“Then you also know that he wouldn’t want you sitting out here all by yourself in this weather. Come Nat, please, it’s time to go back.”

 

She looked up at him, and for the first time he could see that her eyes were glittering in the sunlight. “He loved you Nat, with all his heart.”

 

“And I loved him.” She looked down at the stone that still lay warmly beneath her hand.

 

Clinton Francis Barton

 

_Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud… It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres._

1 Corinthians 13:4 and 8

 

With a small pained smile aimed toward the stone, she placed her hand in Coulson’s proffered one. Lost in their own thoughts, both walked in silence as they left the cemetery. Yet before they walked through the black, iron gates, she quickly glanced back at the stone that still sat, as if smiling, under the warm sun and whispered in a voice that appeared to be no more than a gentle breeze of spring, “and I loved him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coulson does call Natasha "Natalie" but there is a reason for that. 
> 
> solnyshko - diminutive for sun in Russian
> 
> I'm sorry that there is no dates on the headstone, I couldn't figure out when birthday was, so I thought it was better to leave that area blank. But, if anyone knows what it is, please tell me! I'd love to be able to add as it seems kind of incomplete without it. :(
> 
> Also, and wow this AN is getting long o.O, the title is taken from the song "You Learn to Live Without" from the musical If/Then. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this and I hope you have/had a wonderful day! :)


	2. Why?

“So Agent Romanoff, do share. Please, enlighten me. What do you wish? What would you like me to tell your children when I have to tell them that their mother is dead and never coming back?” Director Fury’s voice rose at the end of his final question as he stopped pacing around the room and bent down, both hands on the table, to look her directly in the eye. This, however elicited no response as she silently sat across from him, hands folded, face blank.

 

“Natalie, no, Natasha,” He paused and took a deep breath, “This… I understand why you did what you did, but there’s a reason why you and your children are in New York and not here.”

 

He pulled out the seat across from her and sat down. “You didn’t have to do it this way you know. You could’ve told someone what you wanted and we could’ve worked something out.”

 

She remained silent, her fingers beginning to gently circle the thin gold band on her ring finger.

 

“Natasha please, listen to me!” When she still didn’t respond he decided to try another tactic, “Natashka, he knew you loved him. You don’t have to prove it to him.”

 

At the she looked up sharply, “I know what you would have planned. A camera, a video recording, guard duty even. I didn’t want that. He wouldn’t have wanted that. And as for Alex and Ali, how dare you! No one knows about them. You and I both know that. Besides, I covered my tracks. It’s only been a year after all. You don’t have to worry about me.”

 

He reached out his hand, “Natasha, Natashka, I will always worry about you. I know you’re grown up now, but you’ll always be that little girl running around the base begging to play tag.”

 

She put her hand in his and lightly squeezed it conveying everything she wanted to say but had no words to express them with. She had never needed words with him – after so many years, he knew exactly what she was trying to say.

 

He squeezed back gently and held it for a few moments in silence. “But,” he took a breath, “you’re now, I suppose, so we might as well get down to business.”

 

She stopped the smile from emerging. It was just like him.

 

“You’ve figured it out?” Her voice betraying nothing but her eyes glimmering with a sense of hope. Hope that he would have given anything to give her, but that he knew he would have to destroy.

 

“Unfortunately, no. There’s nothing new. We’re not any closer to solving the case than we were the last time you asked.” That was a lie and he knew it, but he also knew that unless he was forced to tell her everything, he would never do it.

 

“I understand.” He watched her eyes fade as the brief sense of hope was strangled and died away.

 

“We’re trying Natashka. We are trying. I promised you that we would find out what happened and why and I intended on keeping that promise. You and Clint deserve that.”

 

“Thank you.” She paused for a moment as if debating something, “Thank you Uncle Nick.”

 

She rose from her seat. “If that’s all, I should probably return to New York.”

 

“Of course. Tell Alex and Ali I say hi.” He said. “We may not be any closer to solving the case, and I know you need to get back but since you’re here, if you want, take a few minutes to look around. Not much has changed, but feel free to explore. Just tell Coulson when you’re ready to go home. He’ll be your escort.”

 

She made a face at that, but nodded knowing that he could have done much worse that simply assigning an escort back to New York.

 

“Natashka,” He called to her as she opened the door, “You don’t have to prove that you loved him to anyone, not even yourself.  Everyone knew how in love the two of you were. He, most certainly knew.”

 

Again she didn’t say anything but simply met his eyes, nodded and carried on her way.

 

Once she was out of the room and he made sure she was out of hearing range, he picked up his cell phone. “Good job. You were right. You’re going to want to pay closer attention to her though. No, I’m not sure what she’s planning next.” He paused as the person said something. “No, that’s your job. Good luck.”

 

* * *

 

 

Fury was right. The base hadn’t changed very much at all. It still looked the same. Perhaps a bit cleaner, but the same nonetheless. She was grateful that he had let her explore by herself; she knew that having someone trailing her would have just made her anxious.

 

Abruptly she paused mid-step. She looked around, a sad small smile threatening to play on her lips. It had been years, but looking around and seeing everything exactly as it had been, she could picture him standing in front of her for the first time, a grin on his face and a mischievous glint in his eyes as Fury dropped the bomb that they had been assigned to be partners.

 

* * *

 

 

She had just gotten back from a simple reconnaissance mission and was dying for a hot shower and long, long nap – yes, it had been simple, but simple didn’t necessarily equal confortable and in this case, surrounded by sand, sand, and more sand had left her with a mild distaste of beaches – when she noticed that Director Fury had not come to see her alone.

 

“Sir?” She questioned, her eyebrow quirking up.

 

“Agent Romanoff, meet Agent Clint Barton, your new partner.”

 

Agent Barton stepped forward, a smile a mile wide stretching across his face and a mischievous glint dancing in his eyes, and offered her his hand, “Hello Partner.”

 

She was furious. She couldn’t think, couldn’t move, and could hardly breathe.

 

“Agent Romanoff?” Fury prompted her.

 

“You okay there, Partner?” Agent Barton asked, a concerned look appearing on his face. That was it.

 

She mentally shook her head. _Snap out of it Natasha Ivanova Romanoff!_

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Agent Barton.” She said coolly, still refusing to shake the proffered hand. “And I’m sure you’re an excellent partner, but I’m afraid you’re mistaken.” She watched as the concern morphed into confusion. “You see, I don’t have a partner. I never have and never will. I work alone, do you understand?” then murmuring “excuse me” and smiling tensely she pushed past them.

 

“My report will be on your desk in the morning, Director. Good evening.” She called as she “stormed off” which was really all in her mind as she refused to reveal how furious she truly was.

 

“Well,” began Agent Barton.

 

“My apologies Agent. Perhaps we should’ve been a bit more tactful. You’re dismissed and I’ll see what can be done about this. Report in the morning as usual.”

 

“Of course Director.”

 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

 

“Agent Romanoff!” Fury called as he (quickly) walked after her. “Agent Romanoff, please slow down.”

 

As he rushed after her, in his mind he was transported to a different time when he had been chasing the same little girl while her parents were away. “Natasha! Natasha! Slow down! I don’t want to have to explain to your parents why your knees are scraped again!” Yet just like now, she had ignored him and kept running, albeit when she had been a child she had giggled and called over her shoulder, her blond ringlets falling around her face, “Catch me Uncle Nick! Come catch me!”

 

“Natasha, Stop!” He finally ordered her – he wasn’t as young as he had been and while he was sure she could have kept going for the rest of the day, he surely wasn’t up to it.

 

“Yes, Director?” She feigned innocence as if she hadn’t heard him calling her name, one hand on her hip as she stood there waiting for him to catch up to her.

 

“Natasha, I have been calling you… You know, never mind. I’m not even going to discuss that with you.” He decided mid-sentence; past experience having taught him that some things were simply not worth the effort.

 

“Agent Romanoff, that was very rude. And you really should apologize to Agent Barton.”

 

“So now you’re going to lecture _me_? _Really_?” An incredulous tone seeped into her voice. “I’m not a child Director. I haven’t been one for a very long time.”

 

“Natasha…”

 

“And if,” she cut him off, “you’re going to lecture me about being rude or acting inappropriately, you’re the one who decided to assign me a partner. Even after I specifically asked to never have one. Of which you gave me your word.” She was glad to see he at least made himself look remorseful.

 

“You promised me, Uncle Nick.” Her eyes finally revealing just how betrayed she felt.

 

“Natasha, please, just listen to me.” He pleaded, but she was far too upset to be reasoned with at the moment.

 

“I just don’t understand. What changed? After so many missions where I worked alone and did perfectly fine by myself, why now? What prompted this? You know exactly why I refuse to have a partner and now I’m assigned one?!” She started frantically pacing in front of him. “I refuse to be like them, to be like _him_ , and you know that. This was, is, the perfect way to avoid that, and now, and now you’ve gone and stolen that from me? What would my мама say?”

 

“That I’m doing exactly what she would have done.” He said putting his hands on her shoulders and affectively stopping her. “Please Natashka. Just listen.”

She appeared shocked to hear that he thought her мама would have agreed and even concur with his decision, and while he could tell she was still angry with him, he could also tell that she would listen to what he had to tell her.

 

“Yes, Natashka, I know I broke my promise, and I do know how important our agreement is to you, but I also gave my word that I would keep you safe, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Your parents would agree with me.”

 

“And endangering another part instead?” She asked skeptically, “You know, I don’t have the best history with that sort of thing.”

 

“And yet your parents made it work, didn’t they?”

 

“Until my mother died and my father virtually went off the deep end.” She said cocking up an eyebrow.

 

“Until then.” He conceded, “But they were amazing partners.”

 

“Then why not just stick me on a long term mission, in some country as far removed from here as possible?” She asked exasperated.

 

“Because that never an option. How would I be able to ensure your safety in a place like that? You’d need a guard detail, an extraction plan would have to be in place and ready to go at any given moment, security, and Natashka, would you really be happy living the rest of your life in virtual exile?” He mimicked her cocked eyebrow. “No, the only other logical choice was moving you to administrative duties indefinitely. And you know that has the potential to be even worse. So I made the decision to assign you a partner. For your own safety.”

 

“Director, please. You know as well as I do that there have been empty threats for years. If you listened to all of them, I’d probably have been exiled here on base for years.” She said with an air of flippancy.

 

“Yet never has it resulted in the shooting of one of our planes and the injury of several agents.” He said as kindly as he could.

 

At this she looked at him with shock openly playing on her face. “What? What happened?”

 

“We’ve been sending decoys during your missions and extractions for years Natashka. Ever since…”

 

“Ever since мама death.” She cut in realization dawning on her.

 

He nodded.

 

“And this is the first time anything like this has happened?” she asked her voice taking on a more understanding tone.

 

“Of this magnitude, yes.”

 

“But there have been others.” It wasn’t a question but a statement. In her mind she had already put all the pieces together, but she wanted confirmation.

 

“At least one every few months.” He revealed, “But they were never attacks, Natashka. More like a few warning shots and then disappearing into the shadows.”

 

“And all of this because of…” Her question dying in her throat.

 

He nodded again, his voice taking on a tone she had heard many times in her childhood – one of comfort – as he answered, “I tried Natashka, I did try. But after today, I don’t think it’s feasible to keep both promises. Your safety and the promise I made to your parents, comes first. I am sorry, you do know that, right?”

 

She could hear the remorse in his voice and see he was telling her the truth, so she nodded her assent.

 

“But his safety Uncle Nick? After all you just revealed, how can it be safe for anyone to be partnered with me.”

 

“Partners have each others’ backs, Natashka. You know that, and I know that you’ll have your partner’s back. With your training and skill set, I think anyone would be safe with you as their partner.”

 

She looked down, her blond hair, which had been tied back but had since escaped, covered her face hiding her slight blush. She knew her uncle rarely gave praise and to hear him say that meant more to her than hearing such praise from anyone else.

 

“Do you think you could forgive me one day?” He asked her.

 

Natasha looked up at him, her eyes shining and nodded again. Then, instead of saying anything, she opened her arms and moved to hug him. “I forgive you Uncle Nick. I forgive you. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

 

_I just hope you know what you’re doing, what you’re doing, what are you doing…_

 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

 

“Natalie?” Natasha could feel someone someone’s hand on her shoulder.

 

“Natalie?” The voice paused before it tried again. “Natasha? What are you doing? Are you alright?” Coulson’s voice bringing her back to reality.

 

“I’m fine Phil.” She tried to assure him. “Just doing a little thinking.”

 

“Ready to go back?” He asked her, his voice conveying both understanding and sympathy.

 

“I think so.” She took one more quick glance around the room.

 

“Yes, let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some background is beginning to be developed, more will be explained in latter chapters :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you so much for reading it and have/I hope you had a wonderful day! :)


End file.
